I’ve spent the last couple of weeks dealing with some new drama in my family. It’s been exhausting- but isn’t all drama. As it is, I’ve also been spending a lot of time looking into my family’s history and into the roots of my family tree. I was born and raised in Central Louisiana. The history of the place is fascinating and overwhelming at times when you really start to dig into it. What started me on that particular journey, was thinking about the females in my family and the “steel magnolia” attitude we all have. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside. Appear unfazed on the outside, even if you are falling apart on the inside. It is a trait I have carried with me through this life without my ladybug. I find myself striving to not appear to be shattering into a million pieces, even as I struggle to just get up and move. As many who grew up in the Deep South will tell you- the sweltering heat has a way of making people crazy. I’ve often felt it myself- it’s a bit like the full moon and an eclipse at the same time. The higher the mercury climbs the battier and more discombobulated you feel. It effects how I deal with my grief too. I become scattered and unable to focus. And even though I no longer live down there, it still gets pretty warm here. The pull towards the crazy isn’t as strong probably because the heat isn’t as bad but it’s still there to a certain degree. I find myself unable to concentrate on putting one step in front of the other or getting past that gulf in my heart some days. Honestly, I have days where I wake up and wonder what happened- how did I get this far? Is this a common trait? Or just some other kind of craziness only people from the boot can come up with? “Ain’t no telling.” I dont know if I really do want to know anyway- so does it matter? The heat and the grief have turned me more into a wilted wildflower than a steel magnolia. Grief is an ever present companion to parents who have lost a child- one you’re never comfortable with but have to accept as part of your life now. It’s a lot like the miserable heat in the middle of July in Louisiana- you’d like it dissipate just a little- just for a little while. I guess the professionals would call that bargaining. I call it needing relief.
Weirdly, I find myself more homesick now than I have ever been. I have considered every avenue to talk my husband into moving back south. His roots run deep and true in Tennessee so I know it’s a lost cause- and part of me can’t bear to part from her even for a moment- but I just feel like I might find something I am looking for down there. There is something calling me home. I only wish I knew what.