So far no one has found this blog. It’ll be ok. It helps me anyway. It’s been a hot minute so I posted anything. It’s been a hot minute since the Earth felt steady enough to do it. I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s been going on in my head lately because I feel like people don’t want to hear it.

“Yea, yea, your kid died. We know.” Insert eye roll here. That’s what my brain plays to me and it’s a hard core deterrent when it comes to speaking to others about my mental health.

I’ve been on the edge of full blown panic for several weeks now. I don’t know why. But combine the crushing pressure in my chest from the anxiety with the constant pain in my throat from swallowing grief and I’ve been physically miserable. And mentally, well…let’s just say it’s been a real struggle to get out of bed so I have adopted a fake it til you make it stance to help get me through.

This chaotic emotional atmosphere comes and goes. Some days it’s a Mack stuck running right over me. Other days it’s a ticking time bomb with a really long fuse simmering and simmering.

I started this blog in the hopes of finding a community that could lean on each other through these times but I haven’t found it yet. I don’t want to lose hope but I am starting to. And right now I’m not in a place to offer any advice to anyone. Instead, I’m the one in need of help.

So , I’m going to curl up to my husband and cry for a little while because that’s all I can do and sometimes it helps. Sometimes.